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1. When Spheres-R-Us ships bags of golf balls, the number of balls in each bag must be within 6 balls of 300. Write an absolute value inequality and a compound inequality for an acceptable number of golf balls (b) in each bag.
2. A cannery processed 605 pounds of strawberries in 3.5 hours. The cannery processed 2100 pounds in 10 hours. Write a linear equation to model the weight of strawberries (s) processed in (t) hours. How many pounds of strawberries can be processed in 12 hours.
(Editor’s Note 1: And they wonder why we call them Yahoos …)
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it
was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him
be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him
the loot, he fled–leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German tourist, supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up
at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a
handicap is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate
his swing, which he does–backward! A substantial amount of narcotics
was found in the golf bag.
Germany: Oil of Olay no longer turning the trick for her, a woman
decided that she would bathe in the milk of a camel (a modern-day
Cleopatra). So she stole a camel from the local zoo (where *else*
can you find a camel when you need one?) and transported it back
to her house–where she realized that the camel’s name was Otto.
Arizona: A company called Guns For Hire stages gunfights for
Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-
old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check–a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
(Location Unknown): A man went into a drug store, pulled a gun,
announced a robbery, and pulled a Hefty-bag face mask over his
head–and realized that he’d forgotten to cut eyeholes in the mask.
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank after hours
and stole–are you ready for this?–the bank’s video camera. While
it was recording. Remotely. (That is, the videotape recorder was
located elsewhere in the bank, so he didn’t get the videotape of
himself stealing the camera.)
(Location Unknown): A man successfully broke into a bank’s basement
through a street-level window, cutting himself up pretty badly in
the process. He then realized that (1) he could not get to the
money from where he was,(2) he could not climb back out the window
through which he had entered, and (3) he was bleeding pretty badly.
So he located a phone and dialed 911 for help …
Virginia: Two men in a pickup truck went to a new-home site to steal
a refrigerator. Banging up walls, floors, etc., they snatched a
refrigerator from one of the houses, and loaded it onto the pickup.
The truck promptly got stuck in the mud, so these brain surgeons
decided that the refrigerator was too heavy. Banging up *more*
walls, floors, etc., they put the refrigerator BACK into the house,
and returned to the pickup truck, only to realize that they locked
the keys in the truck–so they abandoned it.
(Location Unknown): A man walked into a Circle-K (a convenience
store similar to a 7-11), put a $20 bill on the counter and asked
for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled
a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled–
leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he
got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars.
Sure, they said, You’re welcome. So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the
course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, What do you do for a living? I’m a hit man, was the reply.
You’re joking! was the response.
No, I’m not, he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. Here are my tools.
That’s a beautiful telescopic sight, said the other friend, Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here. So he
picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked!! Wait a minute, that’s my neighbor in there with her…… He’s naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, How much do you charge for a hit?
I’ll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.
Can you do two for me now?
Sure, what do you want?
First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he’s a friend of mine, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson.
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. Are you going to do it or not? said the friend impatiently.
Just be patient, said the hit man calmly, I think I can save you a grand here…..
A. |380-9|=b
B.|380-b|=9
C.|9-b|=380
D.|b-9|=380
I sure do, he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch Bic lighter.
Wow! said his friend, Where did you get that monster?
I got it from my genie.
You have a genie? he asked.
Yes, he’s right here in my golf bag.
Could I see him?
He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.
The friend says, I’m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?
Yes I will, the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.
The friend tells his golfing partner, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!
He answers, I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?
